Love?

This is a very true song..........

Feelings

I've been in this relationship exactly one year as of the 10th of this month.  It's so many ups and downs that it keeps me on edge every minute we're together.  I want to have a laid back type of relationship, but I know that with this one, it won't ever be that way.  He will always have something going to keep me hoping around.  I feel worn out sometimes, and just wish he would get off his high horse and let me have some peace.  I love him and at times I hate him.  WTF?

Boring!

It's been a boring few days, with the recent loss of privileges placed upon me.  I must endure for the next two months a life of  being alone, except for a few visits from my sister to go grocery shopping and out to lunch. The rest of the time, I'm stuck here at home with my trusty computer, cat and the daily existence.  Life has a way of getting away from you when you least expect it.  Often it is minimal with it's taunts, but at other times, it can get down right nasty.  I suppose I can fall back on my son's comment when he heard my demise.  "It could have been worse".  You know he's absolutely correct and so I will count my blessings, down my shoulder and plow through this ordeal.

Stupid Me

I went and read what he had to say..........I give up!  This person thinks that him telling me "not to give up that there's someone out there for me" is a good thing.  Actually, the way he's coming across is that he's trying to make contact, keep his foot in the door and let me know he's still interested.  Fuck him.

SOSDD

Yesterday was a day of remorse.  I just can't seem to get it right no matter how I try.  These damn men, think I must be hard up for needing them.  This is so far from reality and they are esteeming themselves too high.  I don't need them........I would love to have someone.......but if it's going to be drama, trauma, abuse and crap then to hell with it.  I don't need being manipulated and talked to like I'm a child.  I well over the age of 21 and can take care of myself, thank you.
Damn, just when you think you've gotten rid of someone, they show up again.  Now, I got to go handle the situation that has arisen.  Will get back with you later about this one.

Not Again

You'd think I'd learn after all these years, about men.  Two topics are always on their minds...........sex, and food.  If he's not horny, then he's hungry.  Damn it, why in the hell don't they give me a chance.  Get to know me first before they want to jump in the sack with me?  Hell, I want to know what and who I'm laying down with.  He could be a serial rapists....a thief, a criminal on the loose...........I need to know that this person is above board, which is hard to connect with these days.  If I were young as I once was, then I might be stupid enough to jump in head first, without thinking.  Today, being mature gives me restraint when it comes to getting in the bed with a person, I just met.  It's only good sense to protect yourself, every way possible.  Damn these idiots that think I'm old and prudish. 

I'm Sorry

Yeah, it's been awhile since I posted on here, but it's only because I've had to put up with crap that was always in the way.  As a matter of fact, all of my blogs have suffered because of one thing or another that has developed in my life.  I've been lonely and always trying to stay away from thinking about it.  Yet, there are times, I should be on here writing what I feel.  I think I want a relationship and then I start thinking about the pitfalls that come with one.  It's not long before I've talked myself out of it and am glad to be without someone in my life.  Guess I've just gotten old and set in my ways.  Lonely can wait on solitude and peace.

I Hurt Me......

I did it again this week..........I went out and socialized with people who really don't give a damned about me, and some even cringe when I walk in.  I end up feeling emotionally abused by these idiots because of their ugly stares or nasty remarks.  It's part of the bar scene and I realize that you can't make people like you.  But damn it, it would be nice to socialize with them without all the crap involved.  There's always one in every crowd that's miserable and takes it out of the others.  I sure hope it's not me? 
So, I end up coming home, once again........ALONE.....knowing that I need to stop this shit, but also hoping that maybe I made a small contact with someone that was really needed.

Involved

In the last week I have been slack about my posting.  It's been a sad time for millions as we watch the life of Whitney Houston be snuffed out at such an early age.  It's trauma caused more than she could imagine.  People who loved her singing now must go on with only her memories.  I'm sure that her family can only fear the days ahead without her.  Friends must come to their aide when needed for emotional support.  Along with so many people I bid you "farewell" and may you rest in peace.

Poor Me

To Be Wanted

Alone

I stayed home again last night, when many were out on the town having fun and meeting someone.  It's one of those days when I felt I had been out one too many nights, only to come home alone, anyway.  Therefore I made my day count by going to different stores and buying things I wanted, whether I needed them or not.  I spent time browsing through different items, hoping to find something I really needed.  Nevertheless, it didn't happen, and once again after all my browsing, I came home with a bunch of bags, and settled in for the evening, alone.
The "Super Bowl" game, and I am debating whether to go to a club and enjoy the people, food and drinks?  I don't wish to stay out very long, because the danger of finding someone on the road, who can't handle his drinks and driving.  I will try to make it an early evening and finish the game at home. Alone!

No Matter........

It seems that no matter how hard I try to get out there and be present for a certain encounter, it just never happens.  Should I meet someone, they are usually not the type of person I would want to have in my life.  Therefore, I become even lonelier as each day passes.  It's hard to accept this lonely life, and try as I may to meet someone, it's just not happening.  They say if you give up and stop looking then you will find it, when your not looking.  I wish I could wait on that to happen, but at my age it's hard to give up a day or to as a loss.

Change?

I remember how I was so ready for a change, and that my world had become stagnant and boring. I kept telling people, that something had to change, that I was in a rut. I definitely was in a rut!
Get up, get ready, go to work, get off work, drive to the local club, have a few brews, leave and get something on the way home to eat or wait till I got home and throw something together. Then watch enough TV to get sleepy and go to bed.........that was it. Nothing great or wonderful to enjoy or do!
Well, change does happen and it did........at first it was the most wonderful change I could have ever hoped for..........well, it was good while it lasted, but it didn't last long enough for me.........and the change once again reared it's ugly head......this time for the worse......and once again........I'm in a rut.........alone.......and bored........

You Care?

The same questions keeps popping up into my mind.  Does anyone care that I'm here alone, and wanting to be with a partner?  Someone to love, someone to care..........Man, it's just not fair!  I hate this loneliness!  I need to find a reason to live.........!  A reason, to laugh.........do things........wake up in the morning!

Lonely

People, who are on the outside looking in, don't see the real pain that lonely people deal with daily.  I sit around others who have someone in their lives.  It's amazing how, they can judge me, when they are living with someone who keeps them from being lonely?  I see people who can't even appreciate the relationship they have.  I don't have one, and that sucks!  Now, that I am older, it's even harder to find someone who wants to be with me.  I feel like a "left hand" on a right arm.  Going out to public places becomes just as much pain as staying at home alone.  Even then you are alone, because no one is interested in you or cares about the things you say.

How Stupid

I find myself, going out to places in hopes of running into someone who I can possibly have a relationship with.  Is this stupid, when I am really letting myself in for a letdown?  Hope is something I've always had, and yet it seems to be slowly ebbing away, with the insult of time.  I hate this needy loneliness.  It's such a horrible thing to have all this unused time on my hands. 

Depression

People, who think Depression is a choice, take a second to think. How would it feel to wake up and not having the emotional strength to face people? To think that time is just passing by with no real reason? To feel so alone even when you are sitting in a room full of people? To have to put on a face and hide your feelings because in your mind you think no one would care anyway? To lose friends be......cause you can’t find the strength to go out and you can’t physically be ‘happy’? To cry yourself to sleep, hoping you wouldn’t wake up then when you do you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again? You try to hide your feelings hoping no one would notice. Now tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.

Where?

2013

As it came and went so did things around me, without a hitch.  It was an evening of staying home, alone and passing the time on the computer and watching the evening news.  After that I tried to watch the "Big D NYE", but became sleepy.  So, I went to bed and listened to the distance fireworks as I drifted off into a lonely sleep. 

As I look back on 2013, I realize that many things which happened didn't need to.  I also realize that things happen for a reason.  Still I can't accept some of them as being helpful, when actually they are very expensive.  Yes, some of the events got my attention, but they were the one's that were the most expensive. 

Now, comes another year to play, learn and hopefully enjoy what life has in store for me.  I hope that some of the loneliness I've experienced in the last few years, will be replaced with great joy, happiness and the big one "love"!