Hate??

There's a fine line between love and hate, so they say.  It is a major word in my life's feelings and emotions presently.  I want this person to see what their doing to us and yet they seem to take even more advantage of my goodness and feeling towards them.
I've tried to give this thing to God, and every time I do, Satan yanks it back and slams it in my face. I'm hurting from all the unhappy moments I'm experiencing from this person.  I want back what we had when we first met and yet I realize that it was a stepping stone for his final actions.  He chose an old woman who he could con and move in on and now he's got exactly what he wants.  Somehow, I must find the strength to handle his ass and move him out of my life, home and emotions.  Coming home to an empty house will be one of the hardest parts of getting rid of him.  Pray for me, that I may be able to be strong in this endeavor, please?

Why?

It's a beautiful sunny day where I live.  The wind is blowing softly and making the trees ripple, with it's gentle nudge.  I find that even though things are good in this aspect, I still have many things wrong.  Life takes it's toll on happiness, with the daily influences of negative attitudes.  I often find myself alone with people around me.  It's not funny to want to love and be loved, yet having to  hold back because of crap that's been thrown my way.  Eating crow, isn't in my idea's of being happy.  Why do they expect you to live like this when, happiness could be so much sweeter, if they'd try as hard to be happy as they do to be mean?  I just can't accept people enjoying being miserable, only to make others miserable along with them?

Is It?

It comes to the time when you know the other person is never going to change.  You seek some sort of peace in knowing that things aren't as bad as the relationships, you've had before.  Yet, you know this person is dragging you down and keeping you there.  You ask yourself how, this could be happening, when you are so damned strong?  You know that you can make it on your own, without this person, yet here you are.  Caught up in a relationship and not wanting to be alone. Sometimes, things are good, but most of the time, it's just a hell here on earth being with this person.  
The good in this person, does not out weigh the bad.......yet, they don't hit on me, run around on me.....so what am I to do?  

Happiness

Isn't this the way it's supposed to be.............often?

Once

Once these two people had a relationship, that was going somewhere.  They thought that things could go on forever.  This picture is one of several taken that day as their engagement pic's, for that time.  About two months later, it was history as were the pictures' story.  I was sad about it at the time, but today I have a clearer picture of what was happening during these times.  Just too bad that there's not always a "silver lining" to most stories.

Today

It's been a work in progress, for us and we have tried to get it going always in the right direction.  Maybe, just maybe we are getting it right?  There's no set way or pattern to make for a good relationship with your spouse.  You just play it by ear, hope for the best and do your damnest to make it work.  If you find that your love is good, with all the efforts, then you may have something worth holding on to.  
Complete trust in each other is one of the best things to have in a relationship.  This is a subject which is very important to all relationships.  When you have it, then the other subjects can fall into place around it.  I hope we will stay in the place we are and never loose the good we've built in the last year.

My Health

Just when things were going well, I up and did a stupid thing and now my health is questionable because of it.  I took 2 sinus pills last week when I had a head full of sinus, trying to get some relief.  Well, I almost got the final relief, when my blood pressure shot up to 179/90 and a blood vessel burst in my right eye.  It looks horrible and I'm real shaky and feel my pulse being rapid very often.  It's scary and I'm even worried about having any private times with my man?  That's even scarier since it makes your blood pressure elevate, while having sex.  Damn, this just isn't right and I worry that it will be a permanent problem.  I just can't win, no matter how hard I try!

Jimmy Dean

For those of you who like country music, this is a good one.

Love?

This is a very true song..........

Feelings

I've been in this relationship exactly one year as of the 10th of this month.  It's so many ups and downs that it keeps me on edge every minute we're together.  I want to have a laid back type of relationship, but I know that with this one, it won't ever be that way.  He will always have something going to keep me hoping around.  I feel worn out sometimes, and just wish he would get off his high horse and let me have some peace.  I love him and at times I hate him.  WTF?

Boring!

It's been a boring few days, with the recent loss of privileges placed upon me.  I must endure for the next two months a life of  being alone, except for a few visits from my sister to go grocery shopping and out to lunch. The rest of the time, I'm stuck here at home with my trusty computer, cat and the daily existence.  Life has a way of getting away from you when you least expect it.  Often it is minimal with it's taunts, but at other times, it can get down right nasty.  I suppose I can fall back on my son's comment when he heard my demise.  "It could have been worse".  You know he's absolutely correct and so I will count my blessings, down my shoulder and plow through this ordeal.

Stupid Me

I went and read what he had to say..........I give up!  This person thinks that him telling me "not to give up that there's someone out there for me" is a good thing.  Actually, the way he's coming across is that he's trying to make contact, keep his foot in the door and let me know he's still interested.  Fuck him.

SOSDD

Yesterday was a day of remorse.  I just can't seem to get it right no matter how I try.  These damn men, think I must be hard up for needing them.  This is so far from reality and they are esteeming themselves too high.  I don't need them........I would love to have someone.......but if it's going to be drama, trauma, abuse and crap then to hell with it.  I don't need being manipulated and talked to like I'm a child.  I well over the age of 21 and can take care of myself, thank you.
Damn, just when you think you've gotten rid of someone, they show up again.  Now, I got to go handle the situation that has arisen.  Will get back with you later about this one.

Not Again

You'd think I'd learn after all these years, about men.  Two topics are always on their minds...........sex, and food.  If he's not horny, then he's hungry.  Damn it, why in the hell don't they give me a chance.  Get to know me first before they want to jump in the sack with me?  Hell, I want to know what and who I'm laying down with.  He could be a serial rapists....a thief, a criminal on the loose...........I need to know that this person is above board, which is hard to connect with these days.  If I were young as I once was, then I might be stupid enough to jump in head first, without thinking.  Today, being mature gives me restraint when it comes to getting in the bed with a person, I just met.  It's only good sense to protect yourself, every way possible.  Damn these idiots that think I'm old and prudish. 

I'm Sorry

Yeah, it's been awhile since I posted on here, but it's only because I've had to put up with crap that was always in the way.  As a matter of fact, all of my blogs have suffered because of one thing or another that has developed in my life.  I've been lonely and always trying to stay away from thinking about it.  Yet, there are times, I should be on here writing what I feel.  I think I want a relationship and then I start thinking about the pitfalls that come with one.  It's not long before I've talked myself out of it and am glad to be without someone in my life.  Guess I've just gotten old and set in my ways.  Lonely can wait on solitude and peace.

I Hurt Me......

I did it again this week..........I went out and socialized with people who really don't give a damned about me, and some even cringe when I walk in.  I end up feeling emotionally abused by these idiots because of their ugly stares or nasty remarks.  It's part of the bar scene and I realize that you can't make people like you.  But damn it, it would be nice to socialize with them without all the crap involved.  There's always one in every crowd that's miserable and takes it out of the others.  I sure hope it's not me? 
So, I end up coming home, once again........ALONE.....knowing that I need to stop this shit, but also hoping that maybe I made a small contact with someone that was really needed.

Involved

In the last week I have been slack about my posting.  It's been a sad time for millions as we watch the life of Whitney Houston be snuffed out at such an early age.  It's trauma caused more than she could imagine.  People who loved her singing now must go on with only her memories.  I'm sure that her family can only fear the days ahead without her.  Friends must come to their aide when needed for emotional support.  Along with so many people I bid you "farewell" and may you rest in peace.

Poor Me

To Be Wanted

Alone

I stayed home again last night, when many were out on the town having fun and meeting someone.  It's one of those days when I felt I had been out one too many nights, only to come home alone, anyway.  Therefore I made my day count by going to different stores and buying things I wanted, whether I needed them or not.  I spent time browsing through different items, hoping to find something I really needed.  Nevertheless, it didn't happen, and once again after all my browsing, I came home with a bunch of bags, and settled in for the evening, alone.
The "Super Bowl" game, and I am debating whether to go to a club and enjoy the people, food and drinks?  I don't wish to stay out very long, because the danger of finding someone on the road, who can't handle his drinks and driving.  I will try to make it an early evening and finish the game at home. Alone!

No Matter........

It seems that no matter how hard I try to get out there and be present for a certain encounter, it just never happens.  Should I meet someone, they are usually not the type of person I would want to have in my life.  Therefore, I become even lonelier as each day passes.  It's hard to accept this lonely life, and try as I may to meet someone, it's just not happening.  They say if you give up and stop looking then you will find it, when your not looking.  I wish I could wait on that to happen, but at my age it's hard to give up a day or to as a loss.

Change?

I remember how I was so ready for a change, and that my world had become stagnant and boring. I kept telling people, that something had to change, that I was in a rut. I definitely was in a rut!
Get up, get ready, go to work, get off work, drive to the local club, have a few brews, leave and get something on the way home to eat or wait till I got home and throw something together. Then watch enough TV to get sleepy and go to bed.........that was it. Nothing great or wonderful to enjoy or do!
Well, change does happen and it did........at first it was the most wonderful change I could have ever hoped for..........well, it was good while it lasted, but it didn't last long enough for me.........and the change once again reared it's ugly head......this time for the worse......and once again........I'm in a rut.........alone.......and bored........

You Care?

The same questions keeps popping up into my mind.  Does anyone care that I'm here alone, and wanting to be with a partner?  Someone to love, someone to care..........Man, it's just not fair!  I hate this loneliness!  I need to find a reason to live.........!  A reason, to laugh.........do things........wake up in the morning!

Lonely

People, who are on the outside looking in, don't see the real pain that lonely people deal with daily.  I sit around others who have someone in their lives.  It's amazing how, they can judge me, when they are living with someone who keeps them from being lonely?  I see people who can't even appreciate the relationship they have.  I don't have one, and that sucks!  Now, that I am older, it's even harder to find someone who wants to be with me.  I feel like a "left hand" on a right arm.  Going out to public places becomes just as much pain as staying at home alone.  Even then you are alone, because no one is interested in you or cares about the things you say.

How Stupid

I find myself, going out to places in hopes of running into someone who I can possibly have a relationship with.  Is this stupid, when I am really letting myself in for a letdown?  Hope is something I've always had, and yet it seems to be slowly ebbing away, with the insult of time.  I hate this needy loneliness.  It's such a horrible thing to have all this unused time on my hands. 

Depression

People, who think Depression is a choice, take a second to think. How would it feel to wake up and not having the emotional strength to face people? To think that time is just passing by with no real reason? To feel so alone even when you are sitting in a room full of people? To have to put on a face and hide your feelings because in your mind you think no one would care anyway? To lose friends be......cause you can’t find the strength to go out and you can’t physically be ‘happy’? To cry yourself to sleep, hoping you wouldn’t wake up then when you do you are exhausted from the night before, and it all starts again? You try to hide your feelings hoping no one would notice. Now tell me why someone would choose that? Depression is an illness, not a choice.

Where?

2013

As it came and went so did things around me, without a hitch.  It was an evening of staying home, alone and passing the time on the computer and watching the evening news.  After that I tried to watch the "Big D NYE", but became sleepy.  So, I went to bed and listened to the distance fireworks as I drifted off into a lonely sleep. 

As I look back on 2013, I realize that many things which happened didn't need to.  I also realize that things happen for a reason.  Still I can't accept some of them as being helpful, when actually they are very expensive.  Yes, some of the events got my attention, but they were the one's that were the most expensive. 

Now, comes another year to play, learn and hopefully enjoy what life has in store for me.  I hope that some of the loneliness I've experienced in the last few years, will be replaced with great joy, happiness and the big one "love"!

June is Near

Same story different day.........

Feelings

I found myself part of a conversation, at the local bar last week.  It seems when we all got to comparing reasons for being where we were, they were exactly the same.  We lived alone, and the loneliness had driven us out of our homes, to come and be around people.  This gave us a certain amount of time to be away from the 4 walls and hear another person's voice, ideas and feelings.  During all of this, neither one even considered being in a relationship with one of these other persons sitting in that bar.  For whatever reasons we may have had, it all came down to going home alone once we left and finished out our evening excursions.

Christmas

Looks as though I will be alone this year on Christmas Day..at least part of it anyway.........this is par for the course, since I have isolated myself from most people who are users.  Users tend to ask your for this and that without ever caring whether or not they are over extending you kindness or services.  I have five children who have lives of their own and are spending Christmas with their friends and families.  I just don't happen to be included in their festivities.  My Mom, is in the hospital and that has changed plans, with my sister to the point of not having anything, so to speak.  She's placing all her efforts around Mom, and my step dad since they are so old, it may be their last Christmas.  This I understand, but loosing the rest of the holiday just doesn't fit the scenario.  So, since I had planned to spend Christmas with her, I'm left to a limited amount of the day to enjoy.  I suppose, that this is what I should have expected, since I no longer have a spouse in my life and can't rely on others for my happiness.  I can't give the extra efforts, when I don't feel them, and I don't consider making myself go out of my way, something that makes me happy.  I can be alone and not have to put up with what others expect of me, even if it pisses them off at me.  They are doing what they want ........anyway.  Why shouldn't I?

Lonely People

All the lonely People.......

A lonely person will be less trusting of others, essentially "making a mountain out of a molehill. An odd look or phrasing by a friend that wouldn't even be noticed by a chipper person could be seen as an affront to the lonely, triggering a cycle of negative interactions that cause people to loose friends. A lonely person is likely to lose touch with another person, who in turn gets cut off from others, and both end up on the fringes of a social group. It is more of a state such as hunger, which evolved as a cue to motivated our ancestors to go find food.
Over time, lonely individuals become lonelier and transmit such feelings to others before severing ties. "People with few friends are more likely to become lonelier over time, which then makes it less likely that they will attract or try to form new social ties.

All By Myself

It's the same wherever I go.......

Sad Eyes

A song that tells how it is......

Not In Love

A very sad thing to be......been there done that.....

I Miss

I get older everyday, and wonder what tomorrow will bring.  Will I turn the corner and there will be the one I'm looking to find.  Will I meet someone who I can get involved with.  Should I even hope, when everything seems so bleak?  I miss being with someone, holding them close and feeling loved.  I miss being special to a person, who cares that I'm alive and in their life.  It's so hard to be alone, without someone to love you and need  you.  I keep hoping that I can find a person, who will want me as much as I will want them.

Each One

I was sitting around several people the other evening, and found we all had the same thing in common.  We were in that bar, drinking in order to be out of the four walls, where we found so much loneliness.  Here were several people, who were all lonely and no interest in the people they were talking to, except the sound of someone's voice, and conversation.  Just a few conversations, about different subjects brought us back to the same subject of being alone, and tired of the empty place we lived.  I realized that I wasn't the only person, in this world that had found the loneliness too hard to bare constantly.

A Reason

It's very hard to go places and see couples and families together, during this time of the year.  They say that the holiday's are very hard on people who are alone, or elderly alone.  It's very rough to suffer through the loneliness when you see others enjoying themselves.  I reach out to people for needed attention, and many times get snubbed or given a cold shoulder.  It's just not fair that so many have love and happiness, which they don't appreciate.  I would love to have someone in my life to be with and make a life with daily.  A cat just doesn't make up the difference, when it comes to having a relationship.  I really need someone, to give me a reason to be alive and enjoy it on a daily basis.  What's wrong with wanting to love and be loved?

Links

Unchained Melody 117-Out of the Blue 118-The Lure Of the Unknown 119-Maricel’s 120-my blog 121-Spiff, the Spaceman 122-Living Well 123-The Dog Log 124-Catnip Corner 125-A Piece of Idea 126-Observations From the Back 40 127-Poetry by The Redneck Gypsy 128-Odd Facts 129-Juliana’s Lair 130-My life is murphy’s law 131-lisgoldsmemoirs 132-My memories, as time goes by 133-Somewhere over the rainbow 134-Blogging by Sandee 135-Our Journey to this so called life 136-Idaho Daily Photo 137-Memories that Never Fades..

Sadness

Somewhere?

Your Friends

Friends.......They love you,

But they're not your lover

They care for you,

But they're not from your family

They're ready to share your pain,

But they're not your blood relation.

They are........FRIENDS! !!!!

A True friend..... .

Scolds like a DAD..

Cares like a MOM..

Teases like a SISTER..

Irritates like a BROTHER..

And finally loves you more than a LOVER.

Sometimes

Sometimes...

when you cry....

no one sees your tears.



Sometimes...

when you are in pain.

no one sees your hurt.



Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress



Sometimes..

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile .....

Friends?

How can you call yourself a friend, when all you do is want to take advantage of me and our relationship?

All I Ever Wanted

My old flame, has been found after all these years.  The wonderful part is he's still alive.  The unhappy part for me is:  he's still married to the same woman, after all these years.  This is the one that got away, or should I say the one that his mom took from me.  I still do not know what made this woman do the dreadful deed that she did, but now I know there's always a reason, for everything.  Back when all this was happening, I sure didn't understand that concept.  I was full of hurt and rage from being lied on and misunderstood.  The fact that he chose to believe her instead of me, made it even harder to swallow.  I hadn't done one thing that his mother accused me of.  I was innocent and lost as to why she would do this?  Why?  I'll never know!

Emotions

Lately, mine have been running wild with all sorts of feelings.  I found an old love awhile back and it's been a real battle of emotions, ever since.  You must understand that I have been through several relationships during my years of life, and this leads me to where I am today.  I know that it's hard to find love at any age.  When I say love, it's a reference to the real thing.  Not, just a passing or lingering relationship.  I'm talking about the one that  lasts through thick and thin, with someone who loves you just as much.  That one is very hard to find, and I feel the day will never come.  How about you?

New Blog

A new blog is always uncertain, and as I begin this one I wonder about the outcome. I know that many who read this will wonder about the person, writing it. Yes, I am alone! Yes, I am lonely and wish things were different.

This blog is going to be an outlet for my feelings and possible encouragement to others who are in the same situations, as I.

So, here we go and please feel free to correspond with me by leaving comments.

Sincerely,

Nita